Dilbert quotes
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking
for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.
Here are the finalists:
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday
and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the
winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will
encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be
used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Co.
4. This project is so important; we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it. Advertising/Marketing manager, United
Parcel Service)
5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will
believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for
months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's
time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, 3M Corp.)
6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that
only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and
she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of
Dell Computers)
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When
I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on
the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial
to Friday. He said," That would be better for me." (Shipping executive,
FTD Florists)
9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not
going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T
Long Lines Division)
10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is
to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject
mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning
a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon
enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until
tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.)