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Think about this...
I was walking down the street with my old prescription glasses
when the prescription ran out.
"I was driving on the highway and saw a sign that said
`Next Rest Stop 25 Miles,' and I thought to myself `Wow that's big.'"
I couldn't fix your brakes so i made your horn louder.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling
asleep, you're reading, reading... And all of a sudden you
notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and
asked her, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're
wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me
they're the same because I go by thickness." Then she asked,
"How do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you know when you're
sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs
then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last
second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I
think I've forgotten this before.
They say you don't know what you've got until its gone.
I wanted to know what I had - so I got rid of everything.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my
shadow.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It
wasn't doing what I was doing.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right
in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it
is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I
say, "I think I might have written that."
The other day I was........no, that wasn't me.
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not
right now."
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally
walk through into another dimension.
The sign in the restaurant window said "breakfast anytime",
so I ordered french toast during the renaissance.
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely
abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going
to move to New York.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
"I was standing beside the coffin at the funeral home thinking about my flashlight
and its batteries. Then I thought, "Maybe he's not dead . . . Maybe he's just in wrong!"
The other day I got pulled over for speeding...
the officer said don't you know the speed limit is only 55 miles an hour.
I said yeah I know but I'm not going to be out that long."
I said I was going for a walk.
She asked how long I'd be gone.
I said the whole time.
I bought a microwave log fire.
Now I can spend a whole evening in front of the fire in 20 minutes!
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I booked a flight the other day and the clerk asked,
"How many people will be travelling with you."
I said, "I don't know it's your plane.'
I want to die quietly in my sleep like my grandfather,
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I am so lazy I married a pregnant woman.
I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
If your not part of the solution, you are part of the precipitate
I was walking down the street and a man stopped me
and asked me if I knew what time it was.
I said, "Yes, but not right now".
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
I have a friend who's a pilot. We went to a hockey game
but before we left we sat in the driveway for 45 minutes.
Four years ago... No, it was yesterday.
Today I... No, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I... No, I don't.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
--- big picture ---
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the
entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said,
"Wish you were here."
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up,
and smile for a satellite picture.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way
to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says,
"Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it.
I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.
People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it
on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died
they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
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