back to humor



More to think about...



--- museums ---

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from
the statues that are in all the other museums.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had
been done by children. They had all the paintings up on
refrigerators.

--- movies ---

Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my
own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are
outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

Salvador Dali went fishing.
He used a dotted line........ He caught every other fish.

My friend has a trophy wife.....apparently it isn't a first place trophy.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me
$95.

Why do Ballerinas stand on their tiptoes?
Why don't they just get taller women?

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00,
children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

--- restaurants ---

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big
buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what
kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor
to it.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices.
in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I
was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up
outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No,
these are leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway,
because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the
inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get
dirty.

--- stores ---

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything
specifically.

Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in
Seattle, Washington. One day a man walked in and asked, "If I
can melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?" Two days
later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight
Bosco on the job.

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The
clerk said, "ten-four."

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet
supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that
said "compact cars"...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got
there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the
sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a
row."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They
ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything
I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra
medium."

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was
in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they
weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked
up to me and said, "Can I help you?" and I said "Yeah, do you
got anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have
anything you like?" I said, "You started this."

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.
She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone
bought anything today.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to
the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a
different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French
looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't
read in two different languages.

--- appliances ---

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put
them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled
my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I
don't get it...

I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I
laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

--- telephones ---

Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever
I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time
I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop
ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though.
I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone --
it had no number 5 on it. I saw a close friend of mine the
other day... He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I
said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five
on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't
know... My calendar has no sevens on it."

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called
someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said,
"Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They
said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I
said, "I'll wait."

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't
find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they
were!

I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home
and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy
signal. I like to leave messages before the beep.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone
inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a
call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to
the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls
yesterday."

--- records ---

I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it
on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I
could only stutter in Spanish.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the
wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned
them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing
so I bought the album.

--- books ---

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about
everything.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in
1912... Well, to make a long story short ...

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I
just have to fill in the rest.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading
accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

--- apartments ---

I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live
above me are furious!

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me
designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across
the hall tried to rob a department store... With a pricing
gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm
marking down everything in the store."

While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my
bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When
I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

--- houses ---

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut
it out."

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick
wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one
who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch
it... It feels real."

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms
above... So I never have to go upstairs.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the
flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and
took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was
lightning in my house.

All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night.
I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on
your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater
real quick.

I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write
right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get
out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how
I got there.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house
with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it
around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over.
He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later,
I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars,
"Get out of my driveway!"

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really
notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

--- cars and driving ---

For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no
place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it
running... (Slow glance upward.)

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.
I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it
looks like I'm the only one moving.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my
car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been
arrested three times for practicing.

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one
out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds
*amazing*.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left
earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got
dizzy.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... He can't get out.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now.
But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the
driving... Every half mile... We had one cassette tape to
listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some
people must be really tired.

I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say,
"Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once
in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."

I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my
Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying
to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the
highway and began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked
up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new
cars. I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door.
The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get
into one of the cars out back." So I did. And he was really
into picking people up because he picked up 19 more. We all had
our own cars. Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got
speeding tickets.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so
fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an
accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the
engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this
thing? This steers it."

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said,
"Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes,
officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said,
"Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't
believe everything I read."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer
and farther, trying to see it clearly)... And says, "Here, you
can go."

We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going
through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge
if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further
questions."

I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I
said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in
the passing lane?"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask
me if I'm leaving.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came
back the entire area was missing.


return to Indra's Humor