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Even more to think about...





--- airplanes ---

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept
locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot
stepladder with a coathanger.

One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was
walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess
told me to sit down.

When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You
buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they
bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have
the weekend.

--- friends ---

I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets,
but he isn't a midget. He's a midget-dwarf. He's two inches
tall. He's the one who poses for trophies.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to
go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...
Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends
went to the funeral in one car.

I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to
him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it.
Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held
up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute."
I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." Then the
thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave
it to George. At gunpoint he made me borrow a thousand dollars
from George.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's
called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm
Not Raking 'Til Spring."

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this
tour. I said, "the whole time."

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep,
I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there
anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting
attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't
really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to
die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.

--- sleeping ---

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said,
"Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how."
She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and
hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out
of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said
"I thought I told you to go to sleep."

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that
means it's going to be up all night.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you
sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's
satellite dish. My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.

I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.

--- pets ---

It's a good apartment because they allow pets. I have a
Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in
a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed
except for her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family
picnics.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the
apartment somewhere.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on
their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat
and drop it?

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to
call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went
insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East
German Shepherd.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures
of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in
circles.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on
the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm
afraid of widths.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

--- fishing ---

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a
dotted line. He caught every other fish.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
looking like an idiot.

--- chemistry ---

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the
precipitate.

(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two
parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...
(Picks up his glass of water from the stool...) I like to live
on the edge...

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

--- childhood ---

I was born by Caesarean section... But not so you'd notice.
It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the
window.

When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading
it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 --
Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot."

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a
closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator
practice.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy
subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and
then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you
have any toy train schedules?"

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand
box. I was an only child... Eventually.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was
a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running
down the street on a purple wooden horse.

When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I
stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I
learned that the shortest distance between two points was a
direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't
find tractors small enough to fit it.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his
birthmark until he was eight years old.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked,
I'm in the band."

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for
twins, then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but
he didn't obey.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the
beach... It pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and
say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your
life!"

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so
later I can ask him what he meant.

--- suicide ---

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I
changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and
landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened
and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's
done."

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have
been serious because I brought a beach towel.

--- other long stories ---

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after
me... I pushed "1" and he just stood there... I said, "Hi,
where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A
few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...
We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You
know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We
got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then
the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and
said, "Hello?"... The other side said, "Is this Steven
Wright?"... I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr.
Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you
have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you
attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned
you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I
said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of
the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear
weapon... And I would appreciate it if you never called me
again."

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the
most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said,
"Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't
it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a
problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I
can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well
sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger
on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a
nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... By the way, my
name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky
Goldstein..."

Now I'm going to tell you about the girl I'm seeing now. I met
her at a Macy's in New York. She was buying clothes, and I was
putting slinkies on the escalators. The girl I'm seeing now,
Rachel, is a very pretty girl. She has emerald eyes and long,
flowing plaid hair. The last week in August, we went camping
way up in Canada. We were laying around in the woods and stuff,
and I don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy on her
brain and the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks about
sandpaper. She's a rich girl, she's from somewhere else. And
her father is an incredible millionaire. He's the guy who
designed the diagram to show you which way to put the batteries
in something. Having sex with Rachel is amazing. It's like
going to a concert. She yells a lot. She throws frisbees
around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.

Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning.
I knew I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ride
came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't wake me up so he carried
me out of the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car,
and drove to the mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up out
of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving
horizontally. I'm sure this has happened to you.

A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package:
two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in
England. I said, "Yes, I'll take it." I got on this chairlift
with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain
without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You
know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I
said, "Why did you take such a long time off?" He said, "I was
in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really. Well, you
better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a
Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you."

I looked out my apartment window, and I saw a bird wearing
sneakers and a button saying, "I ain't flying nowhere." I
said, "What's your problem buddy?" He said, "I'm sick of this
stuff -- winter here, summer there, winter here, summer there.
I don't know who thought this stuff up, but it certainly wasn't
a bird." I said, "Well, I was just making breakfast, come on
in. Want some eggs? Sorry."

--- other miscellaneous one-liners ---

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter, Skelter."

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

I lost a buttonhole today. Where am I gonna find another one?

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math *look* exciting.

I took a baby shower.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

I washed mud, off of mud.

How young can you die of old age?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

On the other hand... You have different fingers.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

Women... Can't live with 'em... Can't shoot 'em.

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the
money go?

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you
have the pen!

What do batteries run on?

Are there any questions?

--- miscellaneous ---

I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had
made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When
I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I
came back.

I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in
it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and
it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow
that does it in rows.

(Later:) I bought one of those little glass ball things with
the snow in it... Just checking.




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