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Enough already to think about.


I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer
thinks he can get me five.

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put
your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole
package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes
she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a
rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on
a tree.

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...
Boy, were they mad!

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can.
Fred, Barney...

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and
act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
temperature.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini
locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of
Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for
reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got
pretty good. He could go under a rug.

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency
Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The
study of milkmen.

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I
sold a #3 for 28 bucks.

I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a
full house and four people died.

I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It
said: "Lost -- $50. If found, just keep it."

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's
property.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you
get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose
twice. Everything had two shadows.

Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns
behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false
teeth. With braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and
when he walks under a bridge... You can't hear him talk.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There
was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired
myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I
paid myself. Then I quit.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the
roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that
he just whipped out a quarter?

I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2"
taller.

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off
infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing
lines on curved roads.

This is my impression of a bowling ball... (Drags the mike
along the floor, then lifts it...) Gutter...

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather.
The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay.
He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I
figured the game *he* was watching was better.
___________________________________

From: rods@mentor.com (Rod Schmidt)
Date: 22 Jan 1990
Subject: FAKE Steven Wright jokes [original; edited]
Newsgroups: rec.humor

Here are my categories, with examples (these are bona fide SW
jokes but listed here rather than above since Rod used them as
examples).

ENGLISH:

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when
suddenly the prescription ran out.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

REVERSALS / SYMMETRY:

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside.
The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot
today."

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started
reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of
light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"
He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

SIMILARITY / ANALOGY:

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had
a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

Last time I went camping, I accidentally borrowed a circus tent.
I didn't know until I got there and set it up. People
complained because they couldn't see the lake. There was a
forest nearby, but it wasn't a regular forest. It was a forest
made out of paneling. It was a long, thin forest.

WRONG METHODS / REASONS / MECHANISMS:

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my
age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six
I'll be ninety.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how
much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

IDEMPOTENCE / ADDITION OF EFFECTS (REPETITION):

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in
time.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

SELF:

I can't stop thinking like this.

This isn't all true.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you
get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like
that all the time.

NAAAHH:

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

TRIVIALIZATION:

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They
lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and
took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence,
they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each
other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did
you think?"

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or
numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it
was. You can guess what he told me.
___________________________________

"FAKE" STEVEN WRIGHT SAYINGS BY ROD SCHMIDT (total of 59):

[Editor: Curiously, I've seen Rod's jokes attributed to SW and
vice versa. I guess that's a compliment to Rod. If any are
currently miscategorized, I'll be happy to fix that...]

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know
what to feed it.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to
a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you
want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes".

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer.
It was made of grass.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if
I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. But I only nibble on
it. I make the holes bigger.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had
to give it back.

I got a chain letter by FAX. It's very simple. You just FAX a
dollar bill to everybody on the list.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go
up the stairs.

The sky is falling. The sun is rising.

The sky is falling... No, I'm tipping over backwards.

The sky already fell. Now what?

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every
morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun
wouldn't rise.

If you take an oriental and turn him around so he faces west,
does he become disoriented?

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm
Narcissus.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure
enough, I couldn't see any forests.

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a
fan club?

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my
ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to
think you're Shakespeare?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a
monkey?

Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually...

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet
when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and
falls on the floor.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in
only ten minutes.

I saw a want ad. Light housekeeping. They said, "Here, change
this bulb". I said, "I'll need some friends".

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch
light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not
for sale."

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology
experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's
part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is
in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that
all the time.

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt.
"What are you making?" "A salt lick."

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets
have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through
wallpaper. Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she
has to put something on.

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.

Is "tired old cliche" one?

if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a
joke?

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to
Les.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what
for?"

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why.
It told me it was none of my business.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends
with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on
microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on
doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they
make erector sets out of play-dough.

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and
found spirit gum.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates
New York.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and
returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

I had my coathangers spayed.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it
out, it was gone.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to
Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The
headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half
of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
___________________________________

MORE LOOK-ALIKES:

Date: 1 Sep 91
From: kirlik@chmsr.gatech.edu (Alex Kirlik)

I got a calculator and now I can't add without it. I got a
spellchecker and I can't write without it anymore. I got a
blowdryer and now my hair won't dry on its own.

Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time.
Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.

I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same
thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three
miles late for his meetings.

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I
said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll
be the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those
biker-sushi places. We never met.

Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill
for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said,
"I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never
found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.





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